A course in elevator etiquette

Have you ever noticed that in no school, office or building, is there a more awkward and quiet room than the one that transports people from floor to floor. I’m speaking of course of elevators, and if you’re like me, you take a ride in these at least once a day and are completely aware of the awkward nature of which they possess.

Without a doubt, elevators are the most awkward 5X6 square feet box that you will ever stand in. Why is this? Why is the inescapable awkwardness that chases us down like a rabid dog always so evident every time we step in through those sliding doors? From the awkward battle for who presses the buttons to the awkward decision of whose going to step out first, elevator rides are generally the most uncomfortable 15-20 seconds of our day.

First of all, why are people so afraid to speak in the confines of an elevator? It’s as though we are being charged by the word. Is it the fact that nobody else is speaking and thus, listening in on every word you’re saying, whether they want to or not? I even find myself doing it, its as though my mind won’t allow me to do anything but eavesdrop on the single conversation taking place and I’m somehow forced to ponder what they’re talking about and how it possibly applies to their life. Perhaps it’s the fact that we know the ride will end shortly and don’t want to dive into a conversation that will be ended within the next 30 seconds.

Let’s go over some of our different scenarios and characters that we inevitably come across in these cubicles of bore. There’s cell phone-shouting Steve, the man who feels the need to take his important phone conversations into the elevator with him. Because for some reason he relishes the fact that his voice is the only one being spoken, and that you need to hear every word of it. Then there’s Lazy Larry, who steps in and presses the two-button. Is an elevator ride really necessary to up yourself one floor? Take the stairs jerk. Don’t forget about Tony the Talker, who for some reason feels the need to start talking to you mid-conversation, as if you’d had something before the trip to the elevator.

“Women, they’re something else, right?”

I’m sorry who are you? Are you really expecting constructive feedback in the allotted period of time provided within the period of time provided within this elevator ride? Riding with this guy can be as annoying as listening to a person explain the significance of their tribal tattoo. No, I don’t buy that it represents your mother and her struggle; you know you sat in the chair and said ‘tat me up something fresh doc!’ But I digress.

How about the rare instance of finding yourself paired up with a little cutie for the ride? And the realization that comes over you that you have 30 seconds to come up with something witty to spit at the risk of your ego taking just another bruise it didn’t need. Or the horrible occasion inn which you stand side by side with your professor and you realize as much as it kills you, forced small talk is necessary.

And who doesn’t love when the door opens up at the 5^th floor and nobody gets in or out, just another 8 seconds you can’t get back. And at no point in my day do I feel more intelligent than when I step out the first time the door opens, fully expecting it to be my floor. Then of course my pride won’t let face the embarrassment of turning back and admitting to three strangers that I hopped off too early, so I wait for the next ride to roll by.

Maybe if we all tried a little harder we could fix this terribly awkward situation that is the elevator ride. We’ve all faked the door-open button-push as someone runs up to the closing door, we’ve all made that struggle to the front of the group to exit. We’ve all sat in that terrible silence with no sounds other than the elevator tracks and a cough or a sneeze and maybe a ‘bless you’ if someone is feeling bold enough. So let’s work together and try just a little harder, maybe we can all help liven up the elevator scene.

So I’m challenging you, next time you walk in the elevator, start some brief but interesting small talk, and if that’s asking too much, how about a ‘hello.’

Just remember, everyone else on the elevator is just like you, we all feel that awkward tension so strongly that it punches us in the face. Does it need to be this way? If we work together, we can make the elevator a fun place… or at least bearable.